Major Depressive Disorder
In 2000 Randy went to his primary care doctor to talk to him about some new unusual feelings he was experiencing. In the proceeding months he had noticed that he was feeling what to him felt like an unnatural amount anxiety. He was now often finding himself curled up in the corner of his room distraught from this wave of feelings. He also noticed he was easily agitated, had horrible headaches, and his body would just hurt him so bad he didn’t want to move. His doctor referred him to a psychiatrist who diagnosed Randy with Major Depressive Disorder and the team of doctors working with him quickly started him on a mix of medications to help combat his symptoms. They thought they could get him to the point where he felt comfortable enough in his own skin again that he could continue living his life the way he was before all this happened.
Randy is a divorced single father of 3 boys and 1 girl. Raising his children on his own had never posed a problem for him, money was tight but he always made it work. He was a building inspector and parented his children with an authoritative parenting style. His children from youngest to oldest were 10, 12, 16, and 18; the youngest was his only daughter. In 2000 it seemed like many things happened for Randy at once. He was diagnosed with hepatitis C, and a bowel disorder and degenerative joint disease. He made the choice to quit smoking cigarettes (which he had been doing since he was a young boy) and this made him feel upset, but he knew for his health he was not going back. His youngest son started smoking marijuana and taking his truck on joy rides, his middle son started drinking heavily, and his oldest was experimenting with a lot of hard drugs. He noticed other parents from the children’s school started to judge. One was so convinced she could do better she tried to get legal custody of his youngest son. She changed her mind after a few months because the boy had decided to steal her car. As if raising children wasn't hard enough, this just made it harder. Add in some very bad problems at work, with big name companies trying to bribe him to pass their inspections, which really made everything worse. He had to take medical leave for surgery for his bowels which was not done right, and then because of the surgery he couldn't even sit on his bottom (this made him even more embarrassed and uncomfortable). Soon his medical leave ran out and he was let go from his job. He decided to try early retirement but there was no way the money would last through his youngest even finishing high school. With all this happening the medication for his depression was just not helping and he often found himself unable to even get out of bed most mornings. His medical insurance from work ran out, and he was lucky enough that because he is a veteran he could be seen by the VA. The new psychiatrist there decided to try a new mix of medication and has been trying different mixtures since. At Randy's last appointment the doctor said he was not going to give up on him, he is confident he can find the right mix of medication for him.
When I ask my dad if he feels better he states that he only feels like 25% of his "normal" self. He knows the medication helps because he doesn't find himself in the corner anymore, but it is still hard to get him out of the house. My dad thinks he can't give up hope for being fully better but he only plans to take it one day at a time. One of the emotions he misses most about himself is the feeling of being comfortable in his own skin, let alone in a crowd. He looks back over the last eleven years and understands that the best plausible cause for his major depressive disorder is everything happening so close to one another. I think he knows that apart he could have handled it, but all these events starting up within the same year was just too much. Much of it has quieted down -- he has no connections to the people he once worked with, he finally got the correct surgery for his bowels, he has learned to live with and cope with his hepatitis C and degenerative joint disease, he had a heart attack a few years ago and that served as a reminder to manage his stress and health even better. His oldest son grew out of what he was doing and is now finishing college and is happily married. His two youngest sons still gave him a hard time and are still working on it, but two years ago he made a breakthrough in understanding it is not ALL his fault. Oddly enough his daughter decided to pursue a degree in psychology and was the first ever graduate of her family. He never even told her about his diagnoses until her junior year when she was in her second abnormal psychology class. She graduated in 2011, and has never, and will never stop trying to tell him to try things other than medications for his major depressive disorder.
I would have never put it together that my dad had this, it is all so clear to me now when I look back on it. Living through it with him gave me such a different perspective, I knew there was something really wrong, but I was so young when it happened I guess I just didn’t catch on. I always worked my best to try and not make him sad, to make it easier around the house for him, and to just try and fade into the background so I wasn’t an added stressor. I knew no matter what he would always love me, the love was still there, but it was just him who felt so far away. I think after him opening up to me about his disorder I was able to feel more of that connection back and at least understand what was happening, but it still doesn’t feel the same. I think we both know it, the whole family knows it, all the pieces are still there but there is just something keeping them from coming together like the way they had fit before. I hope we are able to get him back fully, but I wonder because of how long it has been, if we all will even notice when we get him back. I think that is one of my bigger fears, the other is just that he will never feel better and that we will always remember that there was a “better time” and just accept what we have now. My dad’s self esteem is one of the lowest I have ever seen; there are days when I notice he has not showered in almost a week. He states that there is no reason for it when he is not planning on doing anything. I get so angry because I know he is not a dumb person, but I don’t understand how he can’t see what he is doing to himself. My brothers and I have really teamed up to get on him about him showering and his self-esteem. I think over the last few months he has been working on his hygiene more, but when I think about it I just hear his words in my head… “one day at a time”… so that is what this family does now, one day at a time.
Randy is a divorced single father of 3 boys and 1 girl. Raising his children on his own had never posed a problem for him, money was tight but he always made it work. He was a building inspector and parented his children with an authoritative parenting style. His children from youngest to oldest were 10, 12, 16, and 18; the youngest was his only daughter. In 2000 it seemed like many things happened for Randy at once. He was diagnosed with hepatitis C, and a bowel disorder and degenerative joint disease. He made the choice to quit smoking cigarettes (which he had been doing since he was a young boy) and this made him feel upset, but he knew for his health he was not going back. His youngest son started smoking marijuana and taking his truck on joy rides, his middle son started drinking heavily, and his oldest was experimenting with a lot of hard drugs. He noticed other parents from the children’s school started to judge. One was so convinced she could do better she tried to get legal custody of his youngest son. She changed her mind after a few months because the boy had decided to steal her car. As if raising children wasn't hard enough, this just made it harder. Add in some very bad problems at work, with big name companies trying to bribe him to pass their inspections, which really made everything worse. He had to take medical leave for surgery for his bowels which was not done right, and then because of the surgery he couldn't even sit on his bottom (this made him even more embarrassed and uncomfortable). Soon his medical leave ran out and he was let go from his job. He decided to try early retirement but there was no way the money would last through his youngest even finishing high school. With all this happening the medication for his depression was just not helping and he often found himself unable to even get out of bed most mornings. His medical insurance from work ran out, and he was lucky enough that because he is a veteran he could be seen by the VA. The new psychiatrist there decided to try a new mix of medication and has been trying different mixtures since. At Randy's last appointment the doctor said he was not going to give up on him, he is confident he can find the right mix of medication for him.
When I ask my dad if he feels better he states that he only feels like 25% of his "normal" self. He knows the medication helps because he doesn't find himself in the corner anymore, but it is still hard to get him out of the house. My dad thinks he can't give up hope for being fully better but he only plans to take it one day at a time. One of the emotions he misses most about himself is the feeling of being comfortable in his own skin, let alone in a crowd. He looks back over the last eleven years and understands that the best plausible cause for his major depressive disorder is everything happening so close to one another. I think he knows that apart he could have handled it, but all these events starting up within the same year was just too much. Much of it has quieted down -- he has no connections to the people he once worked with, he finally got the correct surgery for his bowels, he has learned to live with and cope with his hepatitis C and degenerative joint disease, he had a heart attack a few years ago and that served as a reminder to manage his stress and health even better. His oldest son grew out of what he was doing and is now finishing college and is happily married. His two youngest sons still gave him a hard time and are still working on it, but two years ago he made a breakthrough in understanding it is not ALL his fault. Oddly enough his daughter decided to pursue a degree in psychology and was the first ever graduate of her family. He never even told her about his diagnoses until her junior year when she was in her second abnormal psychology class. She graduated in 2011, and has never, and will never stop trying to tell him to try things other than medications for his major depressive disorder.
I would have never put it together that my dad had this, it is all so clear to me now when I look back on it. Living through it with him gave me such a different perspective, I knew there was something really wrong, but I was so young when it happened I guess I just didn’t catch on. I always worked my best to try and not make him sad, to make it easier around the house for him, and to just try and fade into the background so I wasn’t an added stressor. I knew no matter what he would always love me, the love was still there, but it was just him who felt so far away. I think after him opening up to me about his disorder I was able to feel more of that connection back and at least understand what was happening, but it still doesn’t feel the same. I think we both know it, the whole family knows it, all the pieces are still there but there is just something keeping them from coming together like the way they had fit before. I hope we are able to get him back fully, but I wonder because of how long it has been, if we all will even notice when we get him back. I think that is one of my bigger fears, the other is just that he will never feel better and that we will always remember that there was a “better time” and just accept what we have now. My dad’s self esteem is one of the lowest I have ever seen; there are days when I notice he has not showered in almost a week. He states that there is no reason for it when he is not planning on doing anything. I get so angry because I know he is not a dumb person, but I don’t understand how he can’t see what he is doing to himself. My brothers and I have really teamed up to get on him about him showering and his self-esteem. I think over the last few months he has been working on his hygiene more, but when I think about it I just hear his words in my head… “one day at a time”… so that is what this family does now, one day at a time.